Heart Tests

Some might call this torture, but it's a simple way for me to remind myself that I can, and do, move on.

I'll listen to a mix cd/playlist an ex made me, usually the one prior to the one that's hurting now. Or that I made for them. Or I'll listen to an ex's band. In this case, Andy's music, and the (really fucking awesome) mix cds he made for me. (Seriously, the guy was amazing at making a mix cd. Best I've ever gotten by a long shot, and the sort of mixes that you throw them on in mixed company and everyone loves them. Plus, the "love" mix he made me once, entitled "I'm Still Your Fag" after the Broken Social Scene song of the same name included on the disc, is quite possibly the best love mix ever made in the history of love mixes. So good I've made copies of it for other people who then mine it for their own mix cd making uses.) (And, notably, I don't listen to anything Thor related for this exercise; he didn't have a band, and he never made me a mix, and the mix I made him is something I play at work almost daily. The guy upset me so deeply in the moment and now it's just all okay.)

And sometimes, it still hurts, even on top of the current heart hurt. But most of the time, I feel nothing but enjoyment of the music.

Someday, I'll be a real girl

I am struggling a ton with the future.

IT IS FUCKING TERRIFYING.

I want to make music. Very specific music. But I do not know musicians who could assist me, and I feel, more and more, that perhaps this is something I will have to do very much on my own. In a house. In the country. In Tennessee. The urge to flee comes on strong about every three weeks, and each time it's a little stronger, more desperate, than the first.

But, perhaps more desperate, is the complete lack of actual creative drive. I feel that there is shit working in there, and that one day I'll paint, or write or put together a tune, but fuck all if it ain't just dust right now.

Things I want in my future (projection of this "future" about three years from now):

At least half if not all debt eradicated (current: approx. $18,000)
Not being a waitress
A complicated, loving relationship that constantly keeps me on my toes; i.e. Andy
At least something resembling a firm plot to have a child
At least something resembling a firm plot to own a house
One solid showing of my art not in a coffee shop or middling gallery
A second book of poetry published (I think next year's the year for that; the first, Chaos to Grace, was published in 2001)
The completion or at least major progress on my novel(la), Sumtime Silver Snippety
At the very least, preliminary work on music project, A Deceit of Lapwings, which will include learning how to record music, accumulating instruments, taking voice lessons to regain my high range and hone tone
A stint in Tennessee of about 6 months to 1 year to refine/do most of the above

Careers I could take on/would enjoy doing to make a living which I'll likely never get in creative pursuits:

carpentry and framing
landscaping
anthropological work in the fields of Christianity and/or pop culture


Now that I've put all that down on "paper", how the fuck do I get there? It's that question which brought me to tears today. So I decided to figure out what I want, put a reasonable timeframe on it, and get crackin'. The debt goes first, and at the close of this year, I expect to have a solid dent in it.

Someday, I'll be a real girl.