Breakups & Therapy

It's been almost two years since I've written anything here, but I need some covert(ish) writing therapy.

And, just plain therapy.

I started it up again, three weeks ago. After my now ex boyfriend told me he thought I needed it, with that condescending, needly-voiced tone that speaks of frustration and, unfortunately, projection. I'd told him he needed to keep seeing his therapist, even though he can't afford it, so that's what he came back at me with.

And we're both right. We both need therapy. We're two fucking assholes in our mid-30s who, despite having quite possibly the best relationship either of us had known, just fucked it up. Within three months.

I'm learning things, already, in therapy. Two notable things came out of my session on Friday; I have trouble with grey areas, and I'm always right.

The latter is a bigger ball of kittens than I can process right now, but the former thing, that's pretty simple to acknowledge. The problem is executing a better way of dealing with the grey areas.

And what do I mean by grey areas? Well, that it's very difficult for me to wrap my head around statements, in a relationship, like, "I need space," or dealing with the concept of someone moving, emotionally, at a different pace than me. Because, I think, of my chronic anxiety, I've maladapted to an expectation of timeframes and status reports, asking, in general, for people to give me concrete quantities of time so that I can process what I'm dealing with. I can't expect people to know how much space/time they need. I can't expect people to process their emotions and come to a conclusion as quickly as I can.

Like a lot of things in therapy that end up being the most helpful, these two things are simple things to see in my day to day life. Unfortunately, getting better at handling them is not going to be the easiest thing when I've got no relationship to work with, and my therapist agrees. But, he is determined to help me, and he is kind and he is not afraid to tell me the reality of things.

This is gonna be a several parter, I think, so I'll end this one here.