In conjunction with not hearing from Lindsay for more than three weeks now, I've received a couple messages from a woman I used to consider a pretty close friend. She has, over the past two and a half years, tried several times to learn why I had stopped speaking to her. The thing is, by the time I officially ceased all communication with her, I'd been pulling away for months, and I feel like the reasons I was doing that should have been all too obvious to her. The message she wrote me today inspired me to respond, since it seemed clear that at the very least, she was in denial about any reasons I had to stop having her in my life.
Because the lack of communication from Lindsay is happening at the same time as this woman trying to pull me back in, I've been examining whether there are similarities I should be making note of. I'm not seeing anything notable. The breakup with Chris, despite being painful, has been very adult, all things considered. No one is writing mean, drunken text messages or leaving 4 a.m. voicemails, and there hasn't really been anything posted online intentionally aimed at maiming the other party (Chris's "I did whippits and made out with people at a party and it was the best time I've ever had!!!" post notwithstanding, and I'm trying to hold onto the slim hope that he was really being a dumb boy and didn't consider that I'd see it, but it seems fairly impossible that he wasn't trying to get me to 'go away' in a passive aggressive manner. Just the same, the incident gave me a good reason to delete and block him on fb, as that kind of shit just isn't something I want to see. And, for fuck's sake, dude. You're turning 36 soon. You were too old to write a poem to your girlfriend on your two month-aversary, but you're cool with doing whippits?
In any case, looking back, there were several passive aggressive instances that I didn't pay much mind to, now I'm seeing that that is, unfortunately, an aspect of his personality when he feels cornered or can't articulate himself in a positive, adult manner [sorry for the lengthy aside]), so I'm hard pressed to feel like that's the whole of it. Someone suggested that it's possible he asked her to not speak to me, which would be... weird.
Anyway. This is the response I gave her, and I'm pretty happy with the diplomacy of it, considering that I really don't like her and have no intention of having her in my life. This is about the level of shit it takes for me to oust someone from my life.
Xxxxxx,
I haven't spoken to you in about three and a half years for several reasons. It started when I was dating D. You wanted us to get together, and then you pretty constantly shit-talked him when we did. It wasn't very respectful to your friendship with him, and it made me very uncomfortable that you'd want that for me. Then, as B and I became better friends, I was really not impressed with the way you treated him. I know that things are different inside of a relationship, and he could have been blowing things out of proportion, but from the outside, it seemed like you were using him and abusing his love so that you would have a safe place to hang your hat. This only became more obvious as you continued to be involved with other people (J, namely) and string them along as well. Then, when B acted on your "open" relationship for the first time, you flipped out. Yes, he did it in your bed, and I understand that was a violation, but it really seemed like you were telling him he couldn't do what you'd been doing the whole while.
So by this point, I had already backed off from you, and was more or less avoiding communicating with you. The last (several) straws were the summer of 2009 when you became involved with S, L, and finally P.
That made four people you'd dated/had sex with who were people I had recently been involved with, in the course of just over a year. P in particular was deeply upsetting to me, as everyone in my sphere was perfectly aware of how deeply I felt for him. I found it enormously distasteful, and it hurt quite a bit. I felt betrayed by both of you; that was the third time I'd caught P in a lie about sleeping with someone I was friends with. [Editorial note lest it sound like I was obsessed with P; he and I had an on again, off again but never committed "thing" for three and a half years, which finally ended in 2011, though we have now overcome all that mess and are good friends now]
While I think you are a woman with a great many interesting things to say, and I know you're a lot of fun to be around, these are things I won't over look. I think they speak altogether too much about your character, and that is why I do not consider you a friend, and why you shouldn't continue to spend time trying to get back in my good graces.
Take Care,
-Sarah.
-Sarah.
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